It’s like counting sheep.

The news rocked our work world and finally gave us something new to talk about. "Did you hear AshLee is dating Brad?!"

It's all rather convoluted. She got dumped by the guy, who was dumped by the girl, who was dumped by the guy she's dating. He got dumped by the girl, who dumped the guy she got dumped by. I think.

Trying to remember who won and who got dumped is exhausting. So in order to ease your mind, because I'm sure you've been losing sleep over this (and because Kari insisted on a diagram with pictures), here’s the breakdown:

It all began with Alex Michel, who picked Amanda Marsh.

Then, Aaron Buerge picked Helene Eksterowicz.

I barely remember those people or what they looked like, but burned into my mind in perpetuity is our first Bachelorette, Trista Rehn, who, rejected by Alex Michel, picked, married (in a spectacularly garish pink wedding), and be-kidded fireman Ryan Sutter.

Newcomer Andrew Firestone (of the Firestone Firestones), picked lovely Jen Schefft, got engaged, broke up, and remained friends.

Rejected by Trista, curly haired Bob Guiney, picked someone named Estella Gardinier, who I also don’t remember. And neither probably does he.

Are you keeping up? Good. Moving along...

Meredith Phillips, a Bob reject, picked Ian McKee, who framed her face tightly, slicking her hair back with his hands every time he kissed her. She broke it off within a month claiming irreconcilable differences and frequent headaches. 

Star football player, Jesse Palmer, picked Jessica Bowlin and dumped her practically the next day. She never saw it coming. 

Byron Velvick, the handsome and then 40-year-old pro bass fisherman, picked Mary Delgado, another Bob reject. They lasted for about five years before she got drunk, slugged him in the eye, and landed in jail on assault charges. 

The lovely Jennifer Schefft got a second chance…. and picked no one. 

The irascible Charlie O’Connell, brother of Jerry, picked nurse Sarah Brice. They almost made it. They even had a dog together. Alas.

Dr. Travis Lane Stork picked Sarah Stone, then later dumped her, married a pediatrician, and is now smiling all over my TV set holding up nasal sprays and bottles of magical cures for belly fat.

The New Jersey born and bred Italian Prince, Lorenzo Borghese (worth a modest 50 million), picked Jennifer Wilson. I don't remember Jennifer Wilson at all. But do remember the Prince's nose, and something vague about pet food. 

Naval doctor, Andrew Baldwin, picked Tessa Horst, but dumped Peyton Wright, (who later married Chris L., who was dumped by Ali Fedotowsky).

London's calling! Englishman Matt Grant picked ugg-o Shayne Lamas, daughter of Lorenzo Lamas. The only thing I remember about this season was Matt's teeth, and laughing a lot.

 

But none of that matters. 

From this point on, all roads lead back to Brad Womack, the gorgeous Texas millionaire who picked... no one. 

How dare he value the sanctity of marriage! Unlike Jen Schefft, who the world seemed to forget did the exact same thing, Gorgeous Brad unleashed the scorn and fury of millions of women across the globe equal to all the raging fires of hell, making him the most vilified Bachelor of all time. 

Big calved DeAnna Pappas, Brad reject and constant user of the unfortunate phrase "all'a y'all", picked off-beat snowboarder Jesse Csincsak. They lasted long enough to break up and each marry former Bachelor/ette contestants.

Rejected by DeAnna, Jason Mesnick (who gave crying over a balcony a name) picked Melissa Rycroft then dumped her during the “After the Rose” episode for runner-up, Molly Malaney, toppling Brad from his position by becoming the most hated man in America. All’s well that ends well though. Melissa got her happily ever after, and Jason and Molly married and gave Ty a baby sister. 

Still with me?

Jillian Harris, a casualty of Mesnick, picked Ed Swiderski, a lying, cheating b'tard. Needless, to say, they've parted ways, and Jillian got a nose job.

Handsome pilot, Jake Pavelka, picked the villainous Vienna Girardi, much to the dismay of well, the entire world. The nationally televised implosion of their relationship begged the question, “Remind us again why we’re watching this?”

Ali Fedotowsky picked Roberto Martinez. And the fool let him get away a year later. 

After years of intense therapy, and apologizing to the masses for his failure to choose, dupe, and dump, Brad Womack, therapist in tow, picked tragic single mom, Emily Maynard. It’s a good thing he had a therapist because that woman is a piece of work. Post breakup, Brad was heard to say, “I dodged a bullet.” 

Ashley Herbert picked J.P. Rosenbaum and married him. He didn’t seem to mind that her legs looked like they were on backwards. That’s nice. Isn’t it?

Ben Flajnik picked Courtney Robertson. There are so many things wrong with that last sentence. My mind is stuttering trying to think of something even slightly coherent to say about that. Whatever.

Emily Maynard passed up the gorgeous Arie and Sean, and picked Jef Holm. Then she went and had an affair with a football player and Jef dumped her pretty plastic self faster than you can say “Bye y’all!”

Somehow, after equally loving three, no, two women at the same time, he seemingly flipped a coin and America’s Favorite Bachelor, Sean Lowe, picked the adorable Catherine Giudici. Still together and blissfully in love, the happy couple plans to be married this year. 

Which brings us back to... Brad Womack. 

Who has commitment issues. 

Who is dating crazy-eyed Sean reject, AshLee. 

Who just plain has issues. 

They’re perfect for each other!

Now it’s Desiree’s turn. I’ve always liked the Bachelorette more. The villains are way more entertaining. I can’t wait. It’s going to be a great season!